The Perfect Captive Song?

A Captive Song Perfected

Marvin, Favorite Male Radical

Susan, Favorite Female Radical

David Allan Coe says that, when his friend Steve Goodman sent him the original version of You Never Even Called Me by My Name (sometimes known as You Don’t Have to Call Me Darlin’ Darlin”), Goodman claimed he had written the perfect country and western song. 

However, Coe wrote his friend back and told him that he had not written the perfect country song because it said nothing about mama, or trains, or trucks, or prison, or getting drunk. So Goodman wrote another verse incorporating those themes which caused Coe to acknowledge that his friend’s claim was now vindicated.

Last week I took up my friend Marvin Olasky’s challenge to capture secular songs for the kingdom. I wrote several verses to take captive Steppenwolf’s Born to Be Wild:

Get your mind a’runnin’

Thinkin’ ‘bout your worldview,

Readin’ up on  Kuyper,

And yo’ Rushdoony, too.

Yeah darlin, ev’ry thought a captive,

Wrestlin’ down with ev’ry sphere

Don’t concede a single inch.

There’s one kingdom here.

You are called, called  to rule

You must conquer the fool,

You can take all things

Even what he sings.

Get yourself a worldview

‘bout politics and art now,

Thinkin’ bout ever’thin’

Even milkin’ the cow.

Yeah darlin’ go make it happen,

Take the world in a strong embrace,

Fire all of your guns at pagans,

Don’t give them no space.

Like a dominion child

You’re not ‘sposed to be mild.

You can rule it all,

On this terrestrial ball

However, I was soon haunted by the thought that, good as my effort was and is, it fell short of perfection. Specifically it said nothing about post-millennialism or theonomy.

I’m a post-millennialist,

I know it’s gettin’ better,

A certifiable optimist,

I learned it all from Boettner.

Yeah, I’ve got a sunny temper,

I laugh ha-ha-ha-ha,

I don’t go ‘round all glum

Like those pre’s and a’s.

In the darkest of night,

I see only the light,

When all is null,

The glass is half full.

I am into Bahnsen,

Made me a theonomist,

I like scary Gary,

He’s the best economist.

Yeah, we’re gonna rule the world,

That’s the way it’s gotta be,

Bring it all into subjection

To theonomy.

You may not agree,

You’re wrong, no not me,

You know I know it all,

I’ve got lots of gall.

Now, as a pessimistic a-mil and one who does not believe all necessary for song writing is found in special revelation, I know I have not achieved perfection. But, I think I’m very close.

Marvin invited people to sing and submit their covers of his song. I hereby invite all my singer friends to record and submit their versions of my near perfect effort. I will nominate the one I judge best for a Dove.